Finding Myself

If you look in the mirror what do you see?
Once, I tried gazing at myself in front of the mirror. I looked as intently as I could trying to find something that could make me different from the rest.

I looked and looked but I found nothing. Everything in me is ordinary. I am so ordinary. Left in a crowd, I will never stand out. I am not bitter though. Being invisible suites me just fine. I prefer not to be seen by the people around me. I prefer to blend in the crowd.

I looked beyond the reflection I see in the mirror and I did not like what I saw. On the outside I am nothing and on the inside, I am something. Something dreadful.

The mirror could not show beauty, it could show me what I really am. I am a creature devoid of creativity. I lack a sense of fun. I am stubborn and aloof. I am as uninteresting as the leaves falling from the trees. People will not look twice when they see me.

I tried to change. I tried to be different. I tried to be light and creative. But the old me refuses to go under. I tried so hard but it only made me unhappy. I lost myself as I try to find my place in this world. In my attempt to fit in, I lost the real me. I was never the same again.

I was bad and I tried to be good. I got what I wanted when I wished to be different. I was different but I was never happy. I was bad at being bad and I was worst at being good. I only wanted to correct the mistakes but never felt right.

I lost myself and so I tried to find it. I searched and searched and I almost failed. If only I could merge the old and the new me. If only it's not so hard to be good.

if only...