Selective Amnesia

I am presently suffering (or chose to suffer) from Selective Amnesia. According to Wikipedia, selective amnesia, or Lacunar Amnesia, is the loss of memory about one specific event. In my case, its extensive selective amnesia.

No, I haven't been in an accident. No, I did not bump my head anywhere. No, I did not do anything to get it. Thank you very much.

I simply chose to have it.

There are somethings in my life that I'd rather forget or pretend that did not happen. There are things that I chose to pretend that I did not see or hear or even knew about. Sometimes I feign ignorance to escape. Ignorantism can also be a blessing, you know.

There are events in my life that I don't want to be reminded of. There are things that are just so painful that when I start to remember, my mind blocks out and I get disoriented. So I choose to forget instead.

But these things has the habit of popping out when you least expect it. Like a jack in a box or some idiot's idea of a joke, they spring at you when you thought you are perfectly safe and everything is perfectly fine. And when it happens, my mind goes into overdrive and shuts down.

If you had been reading my previous posts through the years you will notice the pattern. When the memory starts to sink into my consciousness, my mind wanders and it reflects in my posts. When the pain engulfs my heart the rest of my conscious ebbs away.

A simple photograph, a message, a song. Anything could trigger the memory and the pain starts. There are times when I thought I already forgot and I had already moved on. Then, something would suddenly pop-out and remind me of the very thing that I don't want to be reminded of.

Then the "emote" modes in my posts starts to appear. Then the writing goes awry. Then the posts becomes monotonous and idiotic. Then despair. Then depression. Then retreat.

Amazingly, I keep on bouncing back and becomes normal again after a short while. I go about as if nothing happened and nothing in my life has ever been disrupted. My posts would be alright again, my writing clear and everything is fine. But is it?

I guess its both a blessing and a curse that I could easily bury my deepest pains in the most secluded sanctums of my brain. I could always hide it like an old photograph tucked away in some unused boxes. They exist but you could always forget about them and move on with your life as if they don't.

So don't be surprise if you will notice inconsistencies in my blog. In fact, I am already having a hard time typing my words in this post because I am already having a hard time spelling words that are as common as the word "I".

One thing is, I want people to understand that I am in pain. It is the kind of pain that I don't want to acknowledge or speak of. It is something that I'd rather write about because it is a kind of pain that becomes more unbearable when spoken. I don't want to talk about it and I don't want to be asked about it in my face. I'd rather write than talk.

Thank you, I hope you'll understand.