In love with my bestfriend?

I've been teased for so long now and I think its time to clear everything for the benefit of everybody.

No, I am definitely not in love with my best friend or specifically my ex-best friend. For sometime now I had been wondering myself if I am or I am not. Huwhat?Come again?...

Yes, I had been wondering too. I would be honest to admit that I miss my best friend and all the times we laughed and quarreled. I miss our petty arguments and our shallowness. I miss the fun we had. But if you call this falling in love then I guess I am in love with a lot of people lately.

I miss my best friend but I am not in love with him. Maybe I was attracted to him before, which is not impossible since he is a person everybody will like at first glance, but in love with him? No. I should think not. Besides, were no longer friends.

He already found new people he could hang out with and practically forget my existence. I am not jealous with his friends because if they can make him happy then so be it. I know for a fact that it is just normal for people to find new friends and lost in touch with others.

Well, its a bit sad really. It hurts to know that the friendship you tried to preserve so much could vanish in just a snap. But hey! that's life!

So I hope I made it clear now. And I hope people would stop teasing me about it.

a piece of me

A piece of my heart
is a piece of my soul

A piece of my heart
is a piece of my life

Take a piece
its yours to keep
Take a piece
its all I can give

Take it whole
and you'll take my life
Take it whole
and you'll take my soul
Take it and keep it
but you can't break it

My heart is a treasure
delicate and precious
Take only a piece
for there's a price to pay
a ransom, a fee
in case you break me

a drop of your blood
for every piece you take
a drop of your blood
for every tear you let fall
a drop of your blood
for every time it breaks

every piece of my heart
is a piece of my life
every piece of my heart
is a piece of me

take it.
keep it.
treasure it.

Or better not take anything at all.
==============
march 25, 2009.

Age Gap

A deafening silence
A wall between us
A gulf created by hate

You scream but nobody hears
I scream but nobody cares
Blood all around us
Imagined and real

They covered our eyes
So we won’t see
They covered our ears
So we won’t hear
They covered our mouths
So we couldn’t speak

In their eyes
We are young
In their minds
We know nothing

We wanted to be free
You wanted to be you
And I wanted to be me
Was it so much to ask?
Was it so much to give?

We stopped screaming
We tried to listen
But the silence is deafening
We cannot live in this
We cannot live with this

But the gulf has already been created
The wall is already there
We will never understand them
And they will never understand us

(by the Frog Princess, March 2009)

I was born for a reason

I always know I was born for a reason. I just don't know what. Or at least, not at this moment.
I refuse to accept that I was born out of an accident. If I wasn't meant to be here, I will never be here.

Nobody in this world was ever born out of an accident. You are here because you are meant to be here.

I have my dreams. I have plans I've laid out for myself. I have everything in order. But I know that whatever planning I make, if it's not the way God wants me to take then He will make a way to lead me away from it.

My dreams are my guide. It gives me a reason to strive everyday. It gives me a reason to wake up in the morning and do whatever I can do to make my dreams nearer to me. I think I know where my path is leading. I think I had known long before I entered college. It has always lead this way.

I don't know why exactly I was chosen to be born in this particular place, with these particular people. I don't know the significance of everything happening in my life; the significance of every single detail; of every single person. I cannot explain everything about me or even understand everything happening to me but I know that everything happens for a reason.

For two decades that I have been living in this world I had come to accept that God is the one and only Captain of my life. I am here because of Him and He alone knows what He wants with my life. I can only follow.

People around me may see me as a person of no religious inclination. Maybe they are right. Maybe I don't have. But I believe that as long as I have accepted Christ in my life and as long as I remain faithful to him, then religion is of no importance.

I already cast all my burdens to Him, though sometimes I still have the tendency to carry the burden in my heart. In my heart, I have come to accept that if I open my heart to Him and lay down everything He will give what I pray for.

I may not understand His purpose for me but I don't have any plans of questioning it. I will never again doubt His plans for me because for so many times in my life, He showed me that He gives to those who ask and knows how to wait.

I know I am here for a reason. I know somewhere God has prepared something for me. I know that somewhere, God has prepared someone for me. I don't know what it is or who it will be but I know that when it comes, I will know.

I am here for a reason. And that is something that I am waiting to find out.

something I could never understand

Babies.
I am always amazed when I see babies. In fact, I am amazed whenever I am in one of those moods and start observing the people around me.

The "miracles of life" has never failed to amaze me. Whenever I see a child, I could not help but wonder how this tiny creature had evolved from a tiny embryo to something I could touch and hold. I am always left speechless by the thought that these tiny creatures grew within the body of another human being. Simply amazing.

I guess there is nothing more amazing in this world than this.

Even with grown ups. I couldn't help but see the baby in them. I couldn't help but imagine them as babies, wonder what they were like when they were children and be amazed at how humans can actually evolve from helpless embryos to ferocious monsters.

Touching the people around me, hugging them or even just looking at them, I couldn't help but wonder how they had metamorphosed from that creature inside the womb to what they are now. God, life is amazing!

Just look at that photo (taken from yahoo photos). Who would have thought that we were all like that before? Who would have thought we all came from that? Who would have thought that we all came from one microscopic sperm cell and one microscopic egg cell?

And imagine that it grew right inside your body? God...how did God ever designed this body I could not imagine.

A child inside you body. A child coming out of your tiny body. A child growing up and becoming an adult. God...you never fail to amaze me...simply wonderful!

A Lesson of Faith

I first read the story when I was an incoming first year HS student and I've always treasured it ever since. I cannot recall the story in verbatim but I could tell you the gist of the story.

It goes this way:

A man was driving home late one night. When he had an accident. The man is a Christian. He was raised in a Christian family, he studied in Christian schools. He goes to church, he prays, needless to say, the man is a devout Christian.

As his car fell into the edge of the cliff, the man was able to get out of the car and managed to cling on a branch of a tree. He was so scared that he started praying to God to deliver him from his predicament. He prayed so hard and sincerely that God answered him.

God said, "If you believe in me, let go of the tree"
The man was bewildered. He did not let go, instead asked God why He wanted him to let go when he had been a faithful servant of God all along.
The man said, " I had been faithful to you Lord. I go to church regularly. I give tithes. I pray. I do good things, why are you abandoning me now?"
God answered the man, "If you trust me, let go of the tree"
The man still refused to let go and held even more to the the branch of the tree.
This went on for hours and the man began to get tired. His arms were aching already from being suspended for so long. But still, he refused to let go. He closed his eyes and waited for help to come.

When daylight came, the man opened his eyes and looked down from where he is hanging. He was so surprised to find out that he is barely a foot from the ground.

The story is actually a reflection of our relationship with God. There are a lot of us, me included, who will not hesitate to say that I believe in God and that I trust Him. There are a lot of us who has been brought up in devout Christian families who goes to church 3-5 times a week, prays regularly, does all the good works, gives our tithes and offerings to the church and so on. Yet, when God tells us to trust in Him we prefer to follow our stubborn minds instead.

If the man let go of the tree right away he could have saved himself from the pain, exhaustion and humiliation. Yet he did not because he could not believe that by letting go of the tree he would live.

Sometimes I am like that man. I pray to God, I say I trust him and yet when God tests me I start to doubt. They say faith is believing in something that you cannot see. Its believing that you can breathe even without seeing the air. Its believing that you will be saved even when you don't know by whom and when.

One of the things I learned in my life is not to question God's plan in your life. No matter how much you try to control things, God will always have the last say. You just have to trust Him and cast your burdens to Him because He will allow things to happen according to His purpose.

Many times in my life I questioned God's plan for me. Sometimes, when I am in so much pain I would cry and pray to Him and ask Him what He really wants to do to me. A lot of times I asked God what's His plan in my life is, why He lets things happen as they are, why He never did anything to stop it from happening, why He would allow me to get hurt when He was the one who wanted me in this world in the first place.

Then I would look back at all the things that happened to me and I would realize that God is teaching me a lesson and making me tough for the greater challenges that awaits me. He allowed people to hurt me and desert me because He wants me to be strong and learn to stand firm when things starts to get rough.

God will not let things happen without a reason. You just have to trust Him to guide you and keep you safe and strong as you go on your journey. All else may fail but Faith will always keep you going.

what my heart truly says...

(this post is dedicated to all my classmates)
You've known me as a person who says what I think and what I feel but very few of you knows that I could never bring myself to say the things that really matters. I am not very verbal when it comes to my feelings to the people around me. I could lash out in anger and say things that could hurt people but I could never bring myself to tell any of you what's really inside my heart.

I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for all the things I did that could have hurt you or offend you. I'm sorry if I never told you or made you feel how important you are to me. I'm sorry because I am a person who could never really express my feelings for others.

And now the end is here. You are now leaving, and some have already left yet I still couldn't find the energy to tell you how important you are all to me. I still couldn't bring myself to tell you how much you all mean to me and how much your presence made a mark in my life. I could only smile at you and tell you to take care even if what I wanted to do is hug you really tight and tell you how much I love you and how much I would miss you.

But I did not because I could never really do that. I could hug you but I could not tell you those words. I could tell you to take care but I could never tell you how much it hurts to see you all in academic regalia beaming with pride. I could never tell you how much it hurts to know that we will no longer be together in coming school year. I could never tell you how much it hurts to know that we will never share another moment together.

I went to you graduation to congratulate all of you and wish you luck, also to say goodbye to Hannah. I was so happy to see you all even though a part of me tells me to just go home because you will be too busy to notice me anyway. Good thing I did not because I might not have another chance to hug Hannah again.

I will stand by what I said that I will not shed a tear of you because I know that all of you are in better hands now. I have long accepted the fact that nothing in this world will ever stay and everything will be gone and everybody will have to leave. I have long accepted the fact that we could not really stay with each other forever, that there is really no such thing as forever. We have to leave each other, we have to separate ways.

But this does not mean that I will forget any of you or the memories we shared. I could never bring my self to do so even if I wanted to. I will always treasure the moments I spent with all of you. I will always remember the good times we spent with each other. Even the bad times.

I pray you all the best. I pray that all of you will succeed. I pray that all of you will always be safe. I pray that all of you will find your way.

...because you can never really say goodbye...

Saying goodbye to the people that you cared for the most is probably the most painful thing in the world. You can utter the words but your heart never really learn to mean it. At the back of you mind and in your heart, you still harbor the idea that you could stop it from happening, that you could stop the words from going out of your mouth.

To be separated from the people you love is an agony. To let go of the people very dear to you is painful and a torture. Yet, somehow, life is designed that way. At some point, you have to let go of the people you love no matter how much you want to keep them in your arms.

I've said goodbye so many times in my life. I could utter the words as easily as I could utter hello. But until now, I could never bring my heart to understand that though goodbyes may not be forever, still some goodbyes can last forever.

Sometimes I think that its better not to know people at all if they are not meant to stay but then again, I wouldn't be who I am if I did not met those people I've said goodbye to.

Nothing really lasts forever. Not even the earth, not even the sky. Somehow everything changes. Everything. Even goodbyes.